Alexis Sanchez’s agent hospitalised after wanking himself into a coma

Alexis Sanchez’s agent Fernando Felicevich has been admitted to hospital after masturbating himself into a coma following the striker’s move to Man Utd.

According to sources, Felicevich wanked himself unconsciousness shortly after the record-breaking transfer was confirmed.

“He started getting an erection when the rumours appeared at the end of last year,” said unnamed club source Simon Williams.

“By the time Alexis arrived at Old Trafford for a medical, he was left ejaculating nothing but dust from a bloody stump.

A statement from the hospital treating Felicevich, said, “We can confirm that we are currently treating a man who is in a coma brought on by a ferocious bout of masturbation.

“There is little we can do about the fixed grin which now appears to be permanent, and despite being very heavily sedated he has been repeatedly mumbling ‘twenty percent, twenty percent’ over and over again since his arrival.

“Surgeons have successfully removed his hand from his penis, but we are preparing his wife for the possibility that the erection might now be permanent.”

Felicevich’s PA told reporters that the warning signs started to manifest as soon as word of the contract offer reached the agent’s office.

She said, “His hands went straight down his trousers as soon as Man United made an approach and the numbers started getting closer to half a million pounds a week.

“When the deal was completed, and they’d agreed to pay Alexis £14 a year after tax, well, he was pretty much a masturbatory blur from that point on.”

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