James Bond to make a return to “deal with all this shit”

British secret agent James Bond announced last night that he is making a return to “sort this shit out” following recent world events.

Bond, who will be played by Daniel Craig, was last seen heading off into the sunset in an Aston Martin DB5 with Lea Seydoux.

“I really thought I’d finished with this whole saving the world business,” he told reporters, looking understandably irked.

“With Blofeld defeated, I was looking forward to hanging up the old Walther PPK and enjoying a dream retirement with this incredibly hot French bird.

“But while we were in Paris I just picked up a copy of Le Monde, saw the headlines, and thought, ‘oh crap’.”

Sure enough Bond’s fears were quickly realised. “Next thing I knew, my phone was going with the special ringtone I have for M and there he was, ordering me back to the office.

“He didn’t even ask what I wasn’t doing, the bastard, so I didn’t get the chance to make one of those cheesy one line innuendos I used to come out with when I was played by Roger Moore.

“Lea’s a bit hacked off too,” he added, “but largely because this means she’ll probably get shot dead in the first reel and I’ll end up getting off with someone else.”