Medical researchers confirm strong link between vaccines and not dying

There is a ‘causal link’ between the introduction of vaccines and not keeling over dead from entirely preventable causes before your fifth birthday, doctors have confirmed today.

The wide ranging study, which looked at tricky-to-understand concepts like ‘numbers’ and ‘actual research’, concluded that vaccines demonstrably reduced the incidence of appalling, pustulent death by over 90%, although that isn’t enough for some people.

Critics of vaccination cited a study that showed they once knew someone whose uncle’s friend said he knew someone who died from something after being vaccinated against it, which led to entirely reasonable concerns about the efficacy of so-called ‘science’.

However, after extensive research featuring almost eight minutes with a calculator, doctors have concluded that sort of thing is actually a load of crap.

“For a long time, people have been saying ‘Oooh, vaccines, do they work?’ and wondering if people might just, you know, suddenly start dying from smallpox again after stopping entirely for the last forty years despite being vaccinated,” we were told by Professor Simone Williams of the World Health Organisation.

“Or maybe they might start getting polio again despite cases having fallen 99.99936% since we started sticking needles in people back in the 1950s.

“Now, we know that ‘correlation does not equal causation blah blah blah’, but we’ve also identified a strong correlation between saying that in the face of hard data and being a massive twat, so make up your own mind.”

The research has already been attacked by anti-vaccine campaigners, who insist that a global conspiracy involving hundreds of thousands of people is ‘much more likely’ than children not dying because of scientific advances.