Donald Trump’s Scottish welcome to be led by Begbie

Donald Trump’s state visit will take place mostly in Scotland because Scots are well-known for quiet and polite protest, the White House has decided.

Trump expects to be able to saunter the streets of the ‘auld country’ as the pliant and unassuming locals go about their business without raising a fuss.

“If there’s one thing you can say for the Scots, it’s that there’s no way of knowing if they’re upset about something,” a White House spokesman told reporters to silent and disbelieving amazement.

“They might be utterly furious on the inside but you just can never tell; a cool, reserved demeanour is their stock-in trade.

“Calm and phlegmatic, even if the Scots have any disagreements with the President we’re sure they’ll be expressed with a dignified restraint.”

At the time of writing, the White House has just been told they might be confusing Scotland with another, completely dissimilar and possibly fictional country, like Narnia.