Head lice to be made compulsory as part of the school uniform

All primary school children in England and Wales are to be given head lice in a major shakeup of school uniform rules.

Educationalists have been warning for years that some parents are sending their children to school without lice, leading to a school culture of ‘haves and have nits’ emerging.

This has led to concerns of a ‘two-tier’ education system where nit-free children are made to feel superior to other pupils, which experts describe as ‘a deeply unhealthy learning environment’.

In some cases, instances of teachers supplying their own head lice to pupils have been reported.

The new policy is to be called ‘No child left uncombed’.

“Some people say it isn’t necessary for a child to have head lice to complete a well-rounded education, but we’re concerned that parents who have made the effort to supply their own parasites are being unfairly penalised when compared to those who haven’t,” we were told.

The Scottish parliament has criticised ‘slow and unresponsive Westminster’ for failing to address the problem sooner, and produced data showing that every 7-11 year old in Scotland has had nits since the 1970s.