Cannibalism ‘definitely an option’ for the poor, says Duncan-Smith

Iain Duncan-Smith has called on the poor to do more to help themselves, suggesting that cannibalism, culling the sick, and living in large communal holes are all options they should consider.

“I’m not unsympathetic to the poor,” said the Work and Pensions Secretary as he feasted on roasted snow-leopard in swan gravy.

“In fact, I understand that there are some of them aren’t even smelly and ugly, but I do think they could do more to help themselves.

“For instance, if Grandad dies then why waste tax-payer funded benefits to hold what would almost certainly be a ghastly funeral with all its attendant beer, Findus crispy pancakes, and poorly spelt tombstones, and just pop his carcass in the freezer instead.

“I would imagine a fully grown human male could feed a family for at least a week, with a buttock serving as a very pleasant Sunday Roast.”

Mr Duncan-Smith made the comments in the wake of reports that the new universal credit system would see many worse off.

“I do find it infuriating, we have spent many years on this new universal credit system, and people who complain that they’ll be worse off haven’t even considered moving into a hole in the ground, or culling an ill Aunt and eating her flesh.

“It’s just a culture of entitlement.”

Mr Duncan-Smith then returned to his meal for a desert of monkey-gland and diamond soufflé.

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