Cameron promises EU dissenters ‘will only be lightly tarred and feathered’

The Prime Minister has promised that Tories campaigning to leave the EU will only be made moderate examples of.

David Cameron made the announcement yesterday evening through teeth more gritted than Russian roads in January.

“You will be treated with only the mildest of absolute contempt,” twitched Cameron.

“You will remain moderately safe while walking the corridors of Westminster, those photos of you at THAT party will remain mostly under wraps and I will summon George to lightly pop your testicles with a vice clamp.

“Sorry, not that last one, that’s more of a dream than a policy.

“Anyway, everyone is free to do absolutely whatever they think is best for their constituents, consciences and public images for the next few years.”

Local MP, Malcolm McDodgerson, said “Yeah, I’ll be voting to stay in.

“I’d rather leave, but when I told Dave about it he made that noise that unscrupulous mechanics make when an old woman opens the bonnet of her car.

“Then he walked off, pounding his fist into his palm.

“I know when I’ve been told-but-not-officially-told-but-by-god-you-better-fall-in-line-you-shit.”

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