Men to be limited to three emasculating drinks a day

The government has advised that men should stick to three shameful drinks a day, such as half a lime top, or a Bacardi Breezer.

“Drinking isn’t big or clever,” said home secretary Theresa May.

“And a Snowball with an umbrella in it rather emphasises the point.”

To give men the help they so clearly need, pint glasses will be banned for people with external genitals. May emphasised that any pints consumed should be drunk ‘with a pinky out’.

Previously, the male drinking limit was two pints, and a loud argument about football.

“Much better to have a small glass of white wine and an earnest discussion of cushions,” insisted the home secretary.

“And then a felafel kebab on the way home, and posting how many steps your Fitbit recorded on Facebook.”

While Theresa May was adamant that drinking alcohol was a stupid way of establishing masculinity, she ‘understood’ that some would still feel the need to go through a pointless ritual that often ended in mindless violence.