IMF hires Rihanna to get its money back

The IMF has hired the services of no-nonsense singer Rihanna to recover a £1.6 billion loan to Greece.

Rihanna received a call from IMF boss and R&B fan, Christine Lagarde, who was mightily impressed with the singer’s debt recovery skills as outlined in her latest video.

A copy of Bitch Better Have My Money has since been forwarded to Greek PM, Alexis Tsipras, bringing him swiftly to the negotiating table with a new set of proposals, none of which include the sudden, brutal death of his girlfriend.

However, Greek Finance Minister, Yanis Varoufack-this, resigned, complaining that the prospect of being suspended upside down with your balls stuffed into your mouth goes against international norms.

Christine Lagarde said, “Greece is standing at the edge of a financial precipice, below which lies Alexis Tsipras’ cute little poodle ‘Socrates’ who has had a nasty accident with a motherfucking chainsaw.”

Under the new proposals, Greek cashpoints will offer users a choice of a fifty Euro withdrawal or a signed, blood-stained copy of Rihanna’s latest CD.

Music fan and borderline woman-hater Simon Williams said, “I can marginally sympathise with Rihanna’s ‘graphic revenge fantasy’ of stringing up some pampered bitch just to get even.”

“It’s exactly how I felt after listening to Umbrella.”