‘Empty chair’ declines leaders debate offer

After party leaders said they would debate an ‘Empty Chair’ if David Cameron didn’t attend the leaders debates, the empty chair has confirmed that it will be too busy to take part.

“I’ve got better things to do”, said that chair in a statement.

“Whilst I understand that Nick Clegg, Ed Miliband and Nigel Farage have plenty of time on their hands, I am very busy supporting the hard-working bums of Britain.”

“The chair is frit”, said Nigel Farage, tellingly using a turn of phrase which has been archaic for decades.

“Frit, I say”, he continued, compounding his error.

Labour leader Ed Miliband attacked the chair for “not having a leg to stand on”, and then was rendered speechless and unhappy when a spokesman for the chair got a loud laugh by responding that it actually had four.

Of the three, LibDem leader Nick Clegg was the most stinging in his rebukes of the chair.

He said, “What the voters of Britain need to realise is that we don’t need the chair.”

“I have spent five years in government just standing around without a chair.”

“I haven’t needed a chair in all the years I’ve spent hanging around outside David Cameron’s office hoping for a quick chat about electoral reform, and we don’t need one now. So there.”

At time of writing the empty chair was reported to be propping a door open, which observers remarked made it more useful and a better candidate for Prime Minister than any of the other three challengers.