Next series of Big Brother to feature entire population, reveals Theresa May

Home Secretary Theresa May has revealed that the line-up for the next series of Big Brother will consist of absolutely everyone in the UK, except the government.

The UK population, who will take part in the show entirely against their will, have voiced their concerns over having their every move followed by a government who want their own activities to be kept secret.

“How come the government can see what games I’m playing online, but I can’t see the risk assessment for NHS health reforms,” asked one relcutant contestant.

“I’m happy for the government to follow me on Twitter, but I’m not sure that my opinions on crisp flavours and EastEnders are going to do anything to help stop terrorism.”

The government have defended the plans by insisting that appearing on Big Brother could lead to a number of lucrative opportunities for its 63,000,000 contestants.

“People could find themselves making special appearances at small town nightclubs, opening a new branch of Poundstretcher or getting their tits out for Nuts as result of these plans,” revealed a Home Office spokesperson.

Big Brother

The spokesperson also went on to accuse civil liberties campaigners of scaremongering, and dismissed their claims that ‘national security’ is being used as a smokescreen for state sponsored paranoia.

“People have nothing to fear from these changes as long as they don’t do anything that we might decide is wrong at a later date.”

“If they continue to criticise these moves then we will have no option but to outlaw crticism of these moves.”

“It’s all for your own good.”

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