IMF and World Bank to restore investor confidence by not making gloomy comments

The International Monetary Fund (IMF) and World Bank are to stop making gloomy predictions about the economy in the hope that investors will stop having a panic attack every five minutes.

Investors, who can’t even sit through an episode of Scooby Doo without shitting themselves, continue to worry following comments from the IMF and the World Bank about weak global growth.

On Thursday, IMF head Christine Lagarde said the global economic situation was entering a “a dark room with creaky floorboards”, while World Bank president Robert Zoellick said he thought the world was a bit like “that bit in Jaws when the head comes out of the bottom of the boat”.

The move comes after economists discovered a possible link between someone suggesting that the outlook for the economy is gloomy and investors breathing into a brown paper bag and clutching their chests.

Investor confidence

Suggestions by the G20 that investors should “take some Serotonin and chill the fuck out” have been dismissed in favour a more softly-softly approach.

“Investors are very sensitive about anything that might in any way suggest that the situation is perilous,” revealed one economist.

“Words such as gloomy, uncertain, dangerous and bleak are definite no-no’s.”

“If we can look to replace them with words like awesome, magic, party-time and LOL, then I think the markets will see a significant upturn.”

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