Fire crews admit defeat as control centres continue burning cash at unstoppable rate

Fire crews across England are close to admitting defeat in their attempt to extinguish the enormous fiery pits of cash being burned away in their regional control centres.

Reports suggest that nearly half a billion pounds in cash was put into the new centres by the previous government, and has been burning up ever since.

Huge white-elephant-like flames have been seen rising over the costly useless buildings as the taxpayers’ money continues to go up in smoke.

Margaret Hodge, who chairs the MPs’ committee, said the plan to burn through huge amounts of capital had been ‘flawed from the outset’, and claiming that the new buildings require slightly less heating in no way justified such a waste of public money.

Control centres burning cash

A spokesman for the Department for Communities and Local Government claimed that most of the money had been burnt between 2004 and 2008, and it had now learned serious lessons from the experience.

“The department has put much better controls and programme management arrangements in place over the last few years to avoid such failures happening again,” he said to reporters while taking a short break from flushing huge handfuls of fifty pound notes down a specially-provisioned toilet.

“While you’re here, could someone give me a hand?” he asked.

“I’ve got another half billion to get rid of here. I was shovelling it into a bottomless pit, but it seems to have filled up.”

Advertisement

NewsThumpNotebooks

Somewhere to write down everything that’s wrong with the world. You may need several.

See the full collection →