Allow me to lose games with my own players, pleads Liverpool’s Hodgson

Under-fire Liverpool boss Roy Hodgson has today begged the club’s owners to allow him to assemble a squad of players capable of losing games his way, rather than in the fluid passing style favoured by former wing-nut Rafael Benitez.

Hodgson believes it is unfair to base criticism of his troubled reign purely on results he has achieved, insisting the gracious way in which his team has repeatedly capitulated on the pitch should count for at least three points, possibly the ones that were pissed away into the bleak Anfield night against Wolves.

However John W Henry and Tom Werner are understood to be losing patience with Hodgson, and favour replacing him with bogus TV medium Derek Acorah who made a couple of appearances for the reserves back in the sixties.

Acorah has expressed an interest in the role as long as he can bring along invisible sidekick Sam who would take up no extra room on the bench.

Hodgson wants more time

Asking for more time , Hodgson insisted, “Most people understand I cannot play the Gerrards and the Torreses every week.”

“Steven is very susceptible to hangovers these days, especially when I ask him to head the ball, and Fernando has a problem with the cranial nerve which causes him to walk around for ninety minutes with a face like a smacked arse. Still – what an arse!”

“I think it’s only fair that I be judged as Liverpool manager when all the defeats are as a result of the players I have brought to the club.”

“People will say I’ve taken a team that finished 7th and put them into a relegation fight, but I’ve had to do that with someone else’s players.”

“Just think of the mediocrity I could produce if given enough time and money.”

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