Criminal gang escapes during FBI raid after releasing a sheep wearing lipstick
by Rich Smith 2 months ago 
A notorious criminal gang has escaped during an FBI raid after deploying what law enforcement officials have described as an increasingly common countermeasure: a sheep wearing bright red lipstick.
The dawn raid had been planned for several months, with dozens of heavily armed FBI agents surrounding the gang’s compound and blocking every possible escape route.
However, moments after agents entered the building, gang members opened a side gate and released a sheep wearing lipstick to stroll suggestively into the yard, allowing the suspects to stroll unnoticed out of the rear entrance.
One gang member explained, “We used to keep Rottweilers. But what’s the fucking point? An FBI agent sees a Rottweiler and immediately thinks, ‘Threat’.
“Now we’ve got a sheep in lipstick and a goat in suspenders. FBI comes through that door, we release them and we’ve got a ninety-second head start minimum.”
Criminal organisations across America are reportedly investing heavily in attractive livestock following revelations that the FBI has relaxed recruitment rules which previously automatically disqualified applicants who had engaged in bestiality before the age of 18.
An FBI spokesperson insisted there was no evidence the two developments were connected.
“These criminals have identified what they believe to be a vulnerability and they’re exploiting it,” he explained.
“We are therefore introducing specialist training designed to ensure agents remain completely focused on their duties when confronted with unusually attractive farm animals.
“Obviously goats are more complicated.”
Security experts say organised crime is already responding to the new training, with several major gangs reportedly replacing conventional guard dogs with provocatively dressed alpacas, while one cartel is believed to have acquired an entire herd of particularly coquettish pygmy goats.
FBI Director Kash Patel insisted the public should remain confident in his agents.
“These are highly trained federal law enforcement professionals,” he told reporters.
“One sheep wearing lipstick should not be enough to distract them.
“Two, maybe.”
Yet more NewsThump stories
Trump tackles voter concern over excessive cruelty in immigration policy by promoting man responsible for it
AI finally finds ‘true purpose’ in British society by helping people complain more efficiently
Businesses warn publishing salaries will attract applicants who are only interested in being paid
Those who insisted “innocent until proven guilty!” assert Russell Brand’s innocence despite proven guilt
Donald Trump appoints Lord Voldemort as Chief of Staff
