Man without beard spotted

POLICE have urged the public to remain calm after an individual with a completely bare lower face was seen walking down a high street in broad daylight.

The shocking incident occurred at approximately 11:30 AM on Tuesday, when horrified onlookers noticed a man whose jawline was not concealed by a dense brush of organic timberland, a well-groomed spade, or even a modest, artisanal stubble.

Witnesses report that the man, identified as 34-year-old accountant Simon Williams, was casually strolling past a craft beer taproom when passersby realised something was terribly wrong.

“At first, I thought he was wearing a very convincing flesh-colored skin-suit,” said local barista and micro-brew enthusiast Toby Harrison, who instinctively clutched his own chest-length beard for comfort.

“But then he turned around, and I could see his chin. His actual, naked chin. It was smooth. Like a giant, terrifying egg.”

“My wife had to turn the children away,” Harrison added, shuddering. “How do you explain something like that to a six-year-old? How does he brew IPA? How does he chop wood in a vintage flannel shirt on weekends? It’s unnatural.”

Emergency services were flooded with calls from bewildered locals reporting a “facial nudity emergency.”

Specialised tactical units arrived within minutes, attempting to throw an emergency tweed blanket over Vance’s exposed lower face, while offering him a tin of beard balm and a comb to calm his nerves.

According to forensic experts, smooth-chinned males were once a common sight in the UK prior to 2012, before the nation collectively agreed that every adult male must resemble either a 19th-century gold prospector, a Victorian chimney sweep, or a civil war general.

A spokesperson for the Metropolitan Police released a statement: “We are currently questioning the individual to determine how he managed to leave his house without a single follicle of facial hair, or whether this was a cry for help. We ask the public not to stare if they encounter a hairless jawline in the wild, as direct eye contact can cause distress to both parties.”

When asked for comment, a visibly unfazed Williams maintained that he simply enjoys shaving.

“I just use a razor every morning,” Williams explained, prompting several nearby hipsters to gasp and splash oat milk over their cold brews. “It only takes two minutes.”

Authorities have advised local businesses to stay vigilant, while several nearby barbershops have generously offered to glue discarded offcuts from a recent beard-trimming session directly onto Williams’ face “for his own protection.”

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