Green Algae given $100 billion as White House hails another great diplomatic victory

The US president put forward his deal-making skills after announcing that the aquatic plants currently turning the capital’s Reflecting Pool green have agreed to return to the status quo in exchange for a large sum of money and a future banquet in a US lake of their choice.

Posting on Truth Social at three in the morning, Donald Trump explained how his personal intervention secured an end to the hostilities.

“They said it couldn’t be done. The so-called scientists kept telling me that Green Algae has no agency and it will keep reproducing if the environmental conditions. But your PRESIDENT DONALD J TRUMP is the best negotiator that has ever lived. I went to the Mall, looked those tiny plants in the chloroplasts and told them the AMERICAN PEOPLE want their pool as blue as that lovely one on Little Saint James. I said that they could take the deal or FACE THE MIGHT OF OUR GREAT MILITARY! After that they begged me to let them off the hook and reduced their demands by trillions of dollars. I got us a GREAT BARGAIN. Thank you for your attention on this matter.”

Speaking anonymously, a Secret Service agent confirmed the late night summit at the disputed pond. 

“We did indeed have to quietly seal off the National Mall in the wee hours so he could shout at the water. However, we were ready as he does this a lot now and we saw him scowling and finger-pointing at jugs full of Mountain Dew.”

“Just… just please understand we have a job to do and don’t get to decide who we work for.”

Team Algae – get your green algae T-shirt here!

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