Pope uses first Sunday address to call for return of Toast Toppers

Pope Leo XIV has used is first Sunday address in St Peter’s Square to call for the return of Heinz Toast Toppers.

“In nominey pardries, and all that,” began the Pope, as is traditional.

“It is time for Toast Toppers to return to supermarkets around the world,” he said, to huge cheers from the forty thousand faithful in the square.

“I used to love those things. You’d get home from Mass, you’d be well hungry and your mum would do you a couple of slices of toast with toast toppers done under the grill. Loved them. The mushroom and bacon ones were best.

“Ava Maria. Don’t use condoms,” he concluded.

Simon Williams is an expert on the Catholic Church.

“A pope’s first address is always an indication of the direction the new papacy will take,” he explained.

“Some popes will discuss peace, others will speak about the poor. It seems that this papacy will focus on bringing back Toast Toppers. I think that’s something that the 1.4 billion catholics around the world will really be able to get behind.

“They’re quick, cheap and tasty. Things your modern catholic really looks for in a snack.”

What remains to be seen is whether this Pope is going to focus solely on Toast Toppers or whether he’ll widen his calls to bring back Toffos, Ricicles, and Panda Pops as well.