After Florida mass school shooting, shocked Americans ask Trump “What are you doing to protect my Tesla?”

In the wake of another mass shooting at a school in the US, American voters have demanded to know what the government intends to do about the spate of vandalism effecting the range of Teslas across the country. 

Simon Williams, a Cybertruck owner, paused to offer both thoughts and prayers to the victims of the latest school shooting “The one in Dallas right? No? Oh, the one by that Kalamazoo school last month? What? There’s been another one? Florida this time?”

Williams then went on to voraciously criticise the police response in capturing vandals, whilst “I paid a staggering amount for this car and it just seems the authorities are giving it the same underwhelming level of protection as they do for our children.

“Sure, they changed the law so that attacking Teslas is now domestic terrorism after a couple got burned, but people are still doing it. We expect more from a government that claims to value personal property rights.”

Williams continued: “I forgot to take out the optional ‘Company owner revealed to be a far-right edgelord, destabilising nations through misinformation’ protection coverage, so my premiums have now gone through the roof.”

“Owning the libs by purchasing a mediocre vehicle has never been so expensive. I mean, I knew I would never be able to afford medical insurance for my two daughters in grade-school – with the 2nd Amendment being completely unamendable – but I at least thought I’d be able afford the premiums on a car and all the soap required to wash the Swastikas off it.”

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