Liz Truss promises to allow Tory Party members first dibs on contents of all charity collection boxes

Tory leadership favourite and maniac Liz Truss has announced a bold new plan to grant all Tory Party members ‘first dibs’ on the contents of any and all charity collection boxes.

“It is one of the great scandals of our time that the contents of charity collection boxes go to charities,” explained the Foreign Secretary who is favourite to become the next Prime Minister despite not having gone to work since June.

“If I am Prime Minister then any Tory Party member would get first dibs on whatever is in those charity boxes,” she told a hustings in Belfast.

Members were impressed with the pledge.

“That’s good from Liz, that is,” said Simon Williams, a Tory Party member and committed sexual pervert.

“You see those charity collection boxes and just know that they’re just going to go to sick parrots or orphaned kittens or something. They’ll have just spent all their lives lying about on benefits and then they expect to get all that charity money as well? It’s disgraceful. I’m glad someone’s finally doing something about it and that money will come to me instead of some bone-idle bloody parrot with a flatscreen who’s never done a day’s work in their lives!”

Rival Rishi Sunak has responded by promising to give all Tory Party members a cake and a handjob if they vote for him.

The greatest democracy in the world is proving ever more inspirational.

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