US Supreme Court to finally restrict Second Amendment after school shootings repositioned as 560-week abortions

The US Supreme Court is set to finally throw their weight behind gun reform after the latest school shooting was repositioned as a series of 560-week abortions.

With the rest of the world – and most of America – utterly baffled as to why any single sane person doesn’t desire a ban on metal cylinders throwing tiny high-velocity metal projectiles literally through the flesh and bone of other human beings in a non-military context, a marketing executive has implemented a rebranding exercise designed to test the priorities of the nutcase right-wing supreme court justices.

Long-standing Republican congressman, Chuck Williams, told reporters, “Obviously – as a Republican – my political positions are full of contradictions, but the position where I remain steadfastly unmoved is on abortion rights – as in I don’t believe there should ever be any.

“But to suddenly hear that a man in Texas had recently performed an abortion on a perfectly viable child at just 560 weeks gestation is absolutely heinous, and quite frankly we should be changing to law to prevent such crimes with immediate effect! So I am delighted to hear the Supreme Court will be looking at the Second Amendment with immediate effect.

“Just think about it for a minute: a foetus at 560 weeks old is basically a full human being. They have recognisable body parts such as arms, legs, a cute little face and you are already seeing the beginnings of a personality! Don’t they have a right to life? Just as much as any other Republican voter?

“The only realistic, pragmatic way to really stop abortions – all abortions – is to restrict access to the sort of equipment used in the latest mass abortion.

“Which is why I now fully advocate greater gun control.

“Eh? Hang on… What?!”

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