Starmer asks FIFA to review Quansah’s suspension, red card immediately doubled

England’s red card punishment from their game with Mexico has been doubled after Keir Starmer’s call to FIFA went horribly wrong.

The Prime Minister called FIFA with the idea of a charm offensive in mind, but instead repelled the footballing body so much, they have suspended England defender Jarell Quansah for a further game.

“It takes a lot to make FIFA wince. We invented a peace prize for Trump, after all,” explained FIFA executive Simon Williams.

“But hearing what sounded like Mr. Bean stammer his way through a beggy phone call, halfway through which he mistook us for the RNLI and then farted nervously, was the worst thing we have ever heard.

“Jarrell Quansah is therefore given a second red card and suspended for a further game, effective immediately.”

A spokesperson for Number Ten said, “I told him not to try to do something cool.”

“He JUST about got away with announcing the pubs would be open late without accidentally removing the pension triple-lock or something. He was really pushing his luck phoning FIFA though.

“We don’t usually let him use the phone unsupervised. We must have double-booked someone’s lunch break and left him alone for half an hour. Rookie mistake, for which we apologise.”

Keir Starmer commented, “It’s going home!”