Bloody skirmishes erupt between Celsius and Fahrenheit factions as heatwave intensifies

Temperatures reached boiling point (100 degrees Celsius) across the UK yesterday as rival Celsius and Fahrenheit users beat each other senseless.

Trouble flared at the Wheatsheaf Inn in Gosport, when Fahrenheit advocates loyal to the King occupied an area at the bar normally reserved for Celsius guys.

A number of people had to be airlifted to hospital after glasses were thrown, which, annoyingly, were the nice Erdinger ones they usually run out of.

Celsius fan and currently hospitalised Gosport resident, Simon Williams, said, “A bunch of those Fahrenheit fuckers were lording it over everyone with their outmoded ‘up in the nineties’ bullshit.

“Someone had to stand up for what’s right. So I interrupted them with the intention of providing the correct temperature in Celsius, but I was savagely beaten to the floor before I could do the conversion in my head.

“I guess the heat contributed to the situation. It was 36 degrees after all.

“What gets me about these people is that they’re fine saying ‘minus ten’ in the wintertime. Their Fahrenheit bullshit goes out the window then.

“Why? Because the human brain simply can’t handle the concept of 14 degrees Fahrenheit.”

Fahrenheit user, Tony Ashcroft, who is absolutely prepared to use violence to defend his beliefs, disagrees, telling us, “The smug, metropolitan elite just can’t bear the thought of our patriotic Fahrenheit scale, which was designed by a German.

“Well, we all voted OUT, so Williams can stop pandering to Europe with his ‘sophisticated’ celsius crap, assuming he makes a full recovery.”

Williams added, “Hopefully, when the King dies and William takes over, we can put this shit to bed once and for all and consign Fahrenheit to the metric waste disposal unit of history.

“I’d even be prepared to adopt the Kelvin scale, if it meant a peaceful future for our deeply-divided-along-temperature-scale-preference-lines island.”

But Ashcroft hit back angrily, telling reporters, “Temperatures are predicted to be in the mid thirties. What the fuck does that even mean?”

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