Defeated Robert Kenyon booked in to fix Count Binface’s boiler

Defeat in the Makerfield by-election hasn’t stopped Rob Kenyon from getting back to the day job.

The professional plumber and casual misogynist was roundly thrashed by Andy Burnham, and is now back working as a plumber.

“Let’s see …first on the sheet… oh God, really?” Sighed Kenyon.

“Count Binface? I thought that was just a gimmick; you’re telling me he’s a real bloke and he wants me to fix his boiler? Fine. A job’s a job. At least it’s not Carol Vorderman.”

Count Binface commented, “HAHAHAHA!

“Kenyon and myself are both ridiculous candidates, the difference is that I know about it, and I also knew I wouldn’t win. Two bits of self-awareness Kenyon clearly lacks.

“A third thing he doesn’t know is that I sabotaged my boiler on purpose, and I’m going to watch him fix it while drinking scotch and playing Things Can Only Get Better as loudly as possible.

“It’s going to be a Friday to remember.”

Nigel Farage, leader of Reform, commented, “I have never met Robert Kenyon.”