Valerian Caesar declares outcome of Battle of Edessa ‘a great deal for Rome’

15th April 260

Speaking from a puddle of his own blood this morning, Valerian Caesar has declared the outcome of his war against the Persians ‘a great victory for Rome’.

Valerian, who led his mighty armies into the Persian Empire against the wishes of his wider advisors, is understood to have lost two entire legions in the battle – which he described as ‘a great outcome, the best’.

Being led away in chains by Shaipur, King of Kings of the Persians, Valerian went on to describe his captor as ‘a real smart guy and a great friend’

“I’ve got a great relationship with Shaipur”, Valerian told reporters whilst having his face ground into the dust at the King’s feet.

“We’re going to work out a deal which will be the best outcome for Rome. Shaipur says his troops will give up spears and catapults and never try to re-arm”, Valerian added as Persian troops openly laughed at him.

When asked about the ongoing invasion of Dacia by the Visigoths of the East, Valerian added he was ‘great friends’ with their leader Alaric.

“He’ll do things if I ask him,” confirmed Valerian.

“He’d end this invasion in a day if I asked,” he added over the jingle of his chains as he was led away.

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