We want Belfast to be the famously peaceful haven it was before migrants, insist geniuses

Very clever people who know a lot about the UK’s history are adamant that if there were no migrants, Northern Ireland would revert to being the icon of harmonious community relations that made it globally famous.

Lee Anderson, one of Britain’s leading intellectuals, explained to the press that the recent riots must be seen as a legitimate demand for a return to the peaceful urban bliss that has always characterised Belfast.

He explained, “Back when I was a nipper in the seventies, all we knew about Northern Ireland was that it was a lovely place where Van Morrison and Gary Moore came from.

“That’s why I’m very confident in declaring that it is migration that brought violence to the six counties. Before the so-called asylum seekers came, there was never an issue of communities being divided so completely that they only interacted with lethal violence.

“What’s more, these so-called refugees bring their own culture and especially their own faith. So now we have the ludicrous situation of people in a modern country fighting over religion! Have you ever heard of something so absurd?

“Personally, I think the situation is so bad that we should bring the army to Northern Ireland to sort everything out. That will surely make everything better, and there is no historical precedent to suggest otherwise.

“I hope we can one day return to a day where all of Belfast can once again hold hands around their lovely bonfires and shout Up The ‘Ra, as Nigel likes to do.

“It means good health, I think.”

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