Nervous film critics unsure if it’s okay to call Michael Jackson biopic ‘whitewashing’

Film critics across the UK have confirmed they are currently “in a bit of a linguistic pickle” ahead of the release of a new biopic about Michael Jackson.

Early reviews suggest the film may gloss over certain controversial aspects of the late King of Pop’s life, a practice typically described as “whitewashing”; a term critics are now describing as “absolutely unusable under the circumstances.”

“One minute you’re writing a perfectly normal sentence about narrative choices,” said visibly sweating reviewer, Simon Williams, “and the next minute you’re staring at the word ‘whitewashing’ like it’s a live grenade.”

Several publications have already issued internal guidance advising writers to instead use safer alternatives such as “historically enthusiastic,” “selectively reverent,” or “a bold reimagining of what definitely happened.”

A spokesperson for the Critics’ Circle confirmed the organisation had briefly considered allowing the term “whitewashing,” before unanimously agreeing that “no one needs that kind of week.”

“At this point we’re just hoping readers understand what we mean when we say the film ‘focuses heavily on the bits everyone’s comfortable with concerning Michael Jackson, and absolutely none of the bits anyone’s ever argued about’,” they added.

Industry insiders say the controversy has already sparked discussions about updating the critical lexicon, with one editor proposing the phrase “narrative Febreze-ing,” before conceding that “even that somehow feels like it could become a problem.”

At press time, critics were understood to be experimenting with simply raising their eyebrows meaningfully for 90 minutes and hoping readers could fill in the gaps.

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