Gorton and Denton voters given historic opportunity to tell awful pricks to shove it up their hoop

Voters in Gorton and Denton have been handed what constitutional scholars are calling a “rare and beautiful civic moment” with the opportunity to politely, democratically, and with a stubby pencil, inform a certain group of nationally recognisable arseholes to shove it up their hoops.

Following the arrival of attention-seeking career grifters who have decided to parachute into the by-election, what was previously a routine local contest about bins, buses and whose turn it is to fix the leisure centre roof has transformed into something far more meaningful.

It is now, experts confirm, primarily about telling that one particular set of pricks in particular to get in the sea.

Residents had assumed that the by-election would concern mundane issues such as public services, high streets and whether the tram works will ever truly be finished. Instead, it has become a referendum on whether Gorton and Denton would like to be permanently associated with a professional grifter in a suit.

Local politics lecturer Dr Simon Williams explained, “When historians look back at this moment, they won’t be interested in turnout figures or ward boundaries.

“They’ll want to know whether the good people of Gorton and Denton chose the timeline in which an overconfident windbag is roundly told to jog on, or the darker timeline in which they spend the next few years reclining on breakfast television sofas, smirking like someone who’s just discovered the nation’s last remaining megaphone.”

Meanwhile, long-suffering residents are being urged to picture a future in which their constituency is known for its community spirit, industrial heritage and decent chippies, rather than as “that place that decided to elect a human comment section”.

One lifelong voter said, “I just want to be able to tell my grandkids I was there. That when the moment came, and a travelling circus ringmaster tried to set up the big top in our town, I calmly walked into a polling station and expressed my feelings with a small cross.”

He paused.

“A very firm cross.”

Polling day, observers say, will determine whether Gorton and Denton becomes a footnote in some loud prick’s autobiography, or the punchline to it.

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