Giant snowflake to issue lawsuit over joke he didn’t like

A Giant Snowflake has confirmed plans to sue a comedian after heroically standing up for free speech by attempting to crush it with a team of lawyers.

The snowflake, who has spent the last decade explaining that people are “too easily offended these days”, became deeply offended after hearing a joke he personally did not enjoy.

Sources say the incident left him shaken, angry, and briefly unsure whether the First Amendment still applies to people who aren’t him.

“This is a disgusting attack on free speech,” the snowflake raged, moments before threatening legal action to ensure the joke never happens again.

“In America, comedians should be allowed to say whatever they want, but only if I approve it in advance.”

Friends of the snowflake say he was particularly upset because the joke was delivered in public, where people could hear it, laugh at it, and potentially form opinions without his permission.

The snowflake has long positioned himself as a fearless opponent of “cancel culture”, once describing it as “the greatest threat to civilisation since windmills”. However, aides confirmed that cancelling comedians is completely different and actually a noble defence of truth, dignity, and one man’s extremely fragile ego.

Legal experts say the case is unlikely to succeed unless the courts accept a new definition of defamation as being “anything that makes me feel sad or cross.”

The snowflake remains confident, citing his extensive experience of winning arguments by shouting them repeatedly on social media.

Supporters rushed to defend the snowflake, insisting he is not thin-skinned. “He’s just very passionate,” said one ally. “And by ‘passionate’ I mean incapable of processing humour that isn’t praise.”

At press time, the Giant Snowflake was reportedly drafting a statement reminding everyone else to “stop being such snowflakes” and “learn to take a joke”.

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