‘Did you know you can put crooked politicians in prison?’ France asks UK
by Rich Smith 1 year ago 
France has shocked Britain today by revealing the little-known fact that it is technically possible to prosecute and imprison politicians who break the law, after former President Nicolas Sarkozy was sentenced to five years for conspiring with Colonel Gaddafi’s wallet.
The announcement left many in Westminster blinking in confusion, like a dog presented with algebra.
“It’s true,” confirmed a French justice official, sipping wine at 11am in an offensively confident manner.
“If a politician is corrupt and breaks the law, you can actually arrest them, try them in court, and then send them to jail. You don’t have to give them a peerage, a lucrative PPE contract, or a presenting job on GB News.”
The revelation caused panic among several British ex-politicians, who were last seen googling “countries without extradition treaties” and “how to grow a fake moustache convincingly.”
Baroness Michelle Mone is thought to be particularly distressed.
“But I thought being caught funnelling millions from dodgy PPE deals just meant you got an awkward Panorama episode and then quietly disappeared to Dubai?” she sobbed into a champagne bucket.
Meanwhile, Boris Johnson reportedly dismissed the idea of prison as “a mere peccadillo, a piffle, a whiff-whaff of piff-whaff” before demanding to know if France’s jails come with a wine cellar and opportunities for adultery.
Legal experts say the UK could theoretically adopt France’s system, but warn it would require a functioning justice system, a spine, and the political will to treat politicians like ordinary criminals rather than eccentric national treasures who merely happen to have bankrupted the country.
Downing Street has reassured MPs that no such reforms are planned. Instead, the government has unveiled a new medal for “Services to Corruption,” expected to be awarded posthumously to the entire Cameron/Johnson era cabinets.
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