The Federal Reserve will always remain independent, as long as they keep doing exactly what I tell them, insists Trump
by Rich Smith 1 year ago 
President Donald Trump has today reassured nervous markets that the Federal Reserve will continue to enjoy “total independence”, provided, of course, its governors obey his every command like well-trained Labradors.
The President sought to calm investor panic after his latest attempt to fire Fed Governor Lisa Cook on the grounds that she “she’s taking the whole independent thing too literally.”
Addressing reporters, he explained: “The Fed is independent. Totally independent. I want them to be independent. I demand it. And if they don’t independently agree with me, I’ll independently replace them with truly independent people who do.”
Economists noted that this was the financial equivalent of declaring the family’s choice of TV show to watch as being “entirely independent”, while you’re the one holding the remote control.
Trump also revealed he had “several very good people” in mind to replace Cook, including a cousin who once ran a lemonade stand and a man at Mar-a-Lago who claims to have once read a book about compound interest.
Meanwhile, the Federal Reserve issued its own statement gently reminding the President that its governors can only be removed “for cause,” to which Trump replied, “Yes, and the cause is I don’t like her. Very simple. Everyone says it’s the best cause. I have the greatest causes.”
Investors reacted by selling off long-term bonds, a move analysts described as “the financial markets politely screaming into a cushion.”
White House insiders insist there is nothing to fear, pointing out that Trump has always respected America’s proud institutions, “in the same way a toddler respects a vase by throwing it on the floor and insisting it was ugly anyway.”
Markets are expected to stabilise just as soon as the Fed confirms its independence by cutting rates exactly as Trump told them to.
Yet more NewsThump stories
World prepares for imminent US attacks on Iran after Trump describes them as ‘highly unlikely’
Trump tackles voter concern over excessive cruelty in immigration policy by promoting man responsible for it
AI finally finds ‘true purpose’ in British society by helping people complain more efficiently
Businesses warn publishing salaries will attract applicants who are only interested in being paid
Those who insisted “innocent until proven guilty!” assert Russell Brand’s innocence despite proven guilt
