‘NATO-style guarantee’ offered by man who threatens to ditch NATO about once a month

Ukraine has welcomed “historic Nato-style security guarantees” from the United States, despite the fact they were delivered by a man who regularly treats NATO like an unwanted gym membership.

Donald Trump, speaking after his meeting with Volodymyr Zelensky, pledged that America would provide “NATO-style protection,” which experts confirmed means “protection that could vanish as soon as he sees a new poll or has a funny turn on Truth Social.”

“This is great news,” said one jubilant Ukrainian official.

“We’ve been assured our security would be guaratneed by the full weight of US military power. Well, unless, of course, Donald remembers he doesn’t like paying for NATO anymore, in which case we’ll be given a firm handshake and maybe some leftover MAGA hats.”

Critics have pointed out the absurdity of banking on Trump’s promise of “NATO-style anything,” given his history of calling NATO “obsolete,” threatening to quit, and once allegedly asking if he could sell Montenegro to pay for golf course renovations.

A White House aide defended the pledge, insisting: “This is a serious commitment. Sure, it could last a week, or an hour, or right up until Putin tweets something nice about him. But while it lasts, it’s extremely robust.”

Meanwhile, European leaders, described as “politely smiling through clenched teeth,” welcomed the announcement with all the enthusiasm of someone being offered a fire extinguisher by an arsonist.

For his part, Zelensky said he was “grateful for the support,” though aides reported he has already ordered extra ink for his printer so he can re-sign the same deal every time Trump changes his mind on the terms, which analysts expect to be “roughly in line with his bowel movements.”

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