Shrinking economy actually caused by workers being stunned into inactivity by our brilliant economic plans, insists government

The UK economy shrank by 0.1% last month because the entire nation was frozen in anticipation of just how brilliant the government’s economic plan is, according to government sources.

With growth slowing to the point of borderline stagnation after Labour took over last summer, government officials have been quick to reject any assertion that consumer confidence and business investment might have slowed due to their high-tax budget and an austerity-lite mandate in the recent Spring Statement.

“No, I think it’s MUCH more likely they’re all stupified by the incredible economic opportunities we have promised to deliver,” explained a Downing Street spokesperson.

“Sure, critics will point to some of our earliest announcements – like removing winter fuel payments from some pensioners – and how this might in turn have had an impact on the spending decisions of individuals and businesses, but I would strongly disagree.

“Everyone is so excited by increased capital gains tax and bigger national insurance taxes that they’re simply stunned into inaction. Once they calm down they will go back to spending lots of money they don’t have to stimulate the economy.

“Everyone in the room behind that big black door remains utterly convinced that the nation will spring into growth mode the very moment they realise just how good we’ve been for them and the money in their pockets.

“Any. Minute. Now…”

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