New Trump Phone to cost $499 and all of your remaining dignity

The Trump Organisation has announced the launch of its own smartphone, boldly priced at $499 and the small additional cost of your remaining self-respect.

Marketed as “American-built” — though mainly in the same way Trump steaks were “USDA approved” — the gold-coloured device comes preloaded with patriotism, paranoia, and a vague scent of fast food grease.

“This is the most presidential phone ever made,” said Eric Trump, standing near a cardboard mock-up of the device and quietly Googling how to turn it on. “It’s got everything: a gold finish, domestic customer support, and it automatically blocks all content from CNN and MSNBC.”

While tech analysts have raised doubts over whether the phone can genuinely be made in the US without divine intervention, the Trump Organisation remains confident.

A spokesperson told us, “It’s made in America. I mean sure, some parts are sourced from overseas, and assembled overseas, and then sent to us from overseas. But we bless them on arrival, so spiritually, they’re born-again American. And that’s what really counts.”

Ethics watchdogs have raised concerns that the phone might represent a conflict of interest, particularly as purchasing it may be interpreted as a down payment on future presidential pardons.

In a press release, the Trump Organisation promised “strong reception for patriots and frequent outages for haters.”

Early adopters will also receive a free ringtone featuring Donald Trump shouting “You’re fired!” directly at the Constitution.

Consumers are advised to act fast, as supplies are limited by both manufacturing capability and the number of people willing to set $499 and their moral compass on fire.

The phone is currently available for pre-order, with shipping expected by August, or as soon as someone figures out how to stick a SIM card into a cheeseburger and paint it gold.