New Chicago Pope confirmed as regular wiseguy

The new Chicago-born pope has been confirmed as some wise guy named Bobby from the precinct, you know what I’m sayin’? 

Taking the street name “Leo” XIV, His Holiness beat off stiff competition from Cardinal Pietro Parolin who had a nasty little accident that coulda been avoided huh? 

Leo’s first official recorded words uttered from the balcony in St Peter’s Square expresssed both his surprise and elation at the appointment.

“Da Fuck?” he told onlookers. 

Leo continued, “Yo listen up! Things are gonna change around here pretty fuckin’ fast now that Don Francis is no longer with us.

“Some people are sayin’ dat guy got whacked. I wouldn’t know nuthin’ about dat.”

Leo is seen as socially liberal by many and has made his views on pressing issues such as abortion, homosexuality and JK Rowling abundantly clear.

“What goes on behind closed doors is none o’ my fuckin’ business – capiche? That’s between you and da big guy upstairs.

“Ain’t no way I’m gonna be poking’ my nose around into any o’ dat shit.

“Think I’m gonna be worrying about so-called fags when I got enough on my fuckin’ plate uniting factions within the Catholic Church and keeping the faith relevant to a new generation of motherfuckers.”

And in a break with tradition, Leo confirmed he will be responsible for his own security, adding, “Say hello to my little friend!”

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