Confused Donald Trump hails ‘Great Ukrainian Minions deal’

US President and full-time misunderstanding machine Donald Trump has today hailed a deal between the United States and Ukraine to jointly exploit rare earth minerals, mistakenly believing the agreement involved Minions.

The deal, signed earlier today, allows American companies to access Ukraine’s vast deposits of rare earths in exchange for continued military and financial support in the country’s ongoing war against Russia.

However, Trump, who was seen squinting at a blurry infographic on Fox News, appeared at press conference outside the White House to announce what he called “the biggest and most adorable diplomatic victory in American history.”

“They said we couldn’t do it, but we’re getting the Minions, folks. The real ones. Straight from Ukraine. Yellow, beautiful little guys – they work hard, they don’t unionise, and they love bananas. Tremendous creatures,” Trump declared, to a confused but wildly enthusiastic crowd of carefully chose right-wing influences cosplaying as ‘reporters’.

“I always said we should be doing more deals with Gru,” he added, seemingly under the impression that Ukraine’s President Volodymyr Zelenskyy was the criminal mastermind from Despicable Me.

Critics were quick to point out that the deal has nothing to do with animated henchmen, but rather the extraction of critical minerals such as lithium, cobalt and other rare earth elements vital for tech and defence industries.

Undeterred, Trump later posted on Truth Social, “Joe Biden gave away Afghanistan, I secured us Minions. Who’s laughing now? Not Sleepy Gru!”

A White House spokesperson declined to comment on Trump’s remarks but did confirm that “no small yellow creatures were harmed, acquired, or promised during negotiations with Ukraine.”

Meanwhile, Universal Pictures has issued a cease-and-desist letter after Trump tried to trademark the phrase Make Minions Great Again.

Too late. They already were.