Hackers disable M&S online orders in cruel bid to force nation into trying Tesco’s ‘Finest’ range

A cyber attack has left Marks & Spencer’s website and apps unable to process online orders, in what experts now fear is a highly targeted campaign to nudge middle-class Britain into buying from Tesco’s Finest range.

The National Cyber Security Centre confirmed the hackers were “highly sophisticated, possibly even armed with a Club Card.”

Suspicious supermarket behaviour has also been reported across the country. Shoppers looking for M&S’s responsibly sourced salmon were seen in Tesco holding a packet of Finest “Loch-Looked-At-It-Once” fillets and looking intrigued.

“It’s clearly a well-orchestrated psyop,” said Sharon Williams, 52, from Surrey.

“I went to buy M&S’s Chicken Kievs online and the site was down. Next thing I knew, I was in my local Tesco holding something called ‘Garlic Butter-Stuffed Poultry Medallions’. I blacked out. I think I bought hummus in a ramekin.”

Security services are tracking online forums where posts like “Tesco’s Finest lasagne is just as good as M&S, actually” are now considered extremist content.

The Prime Minister has yet to comment, but was reportedly heard muttering, “If they take Percy Pigs, there’ll be riots.”

M&S has urged customers to “remain calm and continue judging others quietly,” while promising that online orders will resume “as soon as we’ve digitally exorcised whatever unholy Tesco bargain demons are inside the server.”

Meanwhile, Tesco denies any involvement, stating: “Our Finest range is merely there for customers who want affordable luxury — and are fine with parmesan spelled ‘hard Italian cheese’.”

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