Trump threatens infinity+1% tariffs on all products everywhere

In the latest escalation of his global trade war, Donald Trump has managed to outmanoeuvre his international counterparts by announcing sweeping infinity+1% tariffs on all products, everywhere.

Taking to Truth Social, Trump declared, “This is a VERY FAIR tariff, perhaps the fairest tariff ever introduced by ANYONE, EVER. Certainly much fairer than the EU’s NASTY 50% tariff on US whiskey.”

Rumours are already swirling that Canada’s newly elected Prime Minister, Mark Carney, may be considering a retaliatory infinity+2% tariff, sparking fears of an unprecedented trade war spiral.

With experts unable to make sense of this infinity paradox, industry leaders have turned to schoolchildren for guidance.

In an exclusive with NewsThump, 7-year-old Maddy Williams, who recently won an argument with her 9-year-old brother over whose turn it was on the Nintendo Switch, confidently weighed in.

“Obviously, the infinity+1% tariff wins, because it automatically applies to the infinity+2% tariff due to its first-mover advantage.

“In the end, the infinity+1 tariff trumps all others – pardon the pun.”