David Coote given asylum in Moscow, confirms Kremlin

The Kremlin has today confirmed that former Premier League referee David Coote has been granted asylum in Moscow.

“David will be safe here,” Russian president and Everton fan Vladimir Putin told us.

“He arrived in Moscow this morning after agreeing to a peaceful transition of power to Paul Tierney.

“Contrary to what the Western media will have you believe, David Coote is a man of absolute honour and integrity. The newly released video of him taking a sh*t on a Mo Salah shirt is clearly fake.

“And so what if he has a Manchester United season ticket? What does that prove? It’s just yet more despicable lies from our scaremongering enemies.”

With the addition of Coote to Russia’s growing list of asylum seekers, it seems not everyone is pleased with the referee’s arrival.

“It’s getting a bit cramped in the flat,” said US whistleblower Edward Snowden.

“I’ve tried writing ‘Snowden’ on my bottle of strawberry Yazoo in the fridge, but I know one of them has taken it. Coote has only just moved in, so my money’s on al-Assad.

“And don’t even get me started on the bathroom schedule. Coote was in there for twenty minutes this morning cutting up lines of talcum powder.

“At least I think it was talcum powder.”