Human genome map finally isolates ‘annoying prick’ sequence

Scientists have published the most detailed analysis to date of the human genome, claiming to have isolated the code which makes people an utter pain in the arse to be around.

The researchers hope that the findings will lead to a deeper understanding of numerous hideous personality traits that will, in future, allow certain people to be avoided at all costs.

Lead researcher Dr Simon Williams told us, “This breakthrough could finally see an end to spending time with people who annoy the shit out of you.

“Met someone new? Get a discrete hair sample, and we’ll tell you with 99% certainty whether you’ll be sick of the sight of them within two months.

“We can also tell you with a very high degree of certainty whether they will flood your Facebook wall with tedious invites to another goddam game they’ve found themselves addicted to, or that stupid conspiracy theory about gay frogs.”

The findings are expected to lead to new treatments for annoying pricks, though doctors are still warning that the best treatment is in fact ‘avoidance’.

As one explained, “Sure, in years to come we might have an injection that turns that douchebag from the bar into a civilised member of society, but that could be many years away.

“The dream, of course, is to aerosolise any treatment. Imagine pumping a ‘fix’ into a room full of awful arseholes, and having them fixed almost instantly. It’s probably a coincidence I thought of this while watching coverage of the Reform annual party conference.

“In the short term, we’re focussing on the genes for ‘thinks is funny but isn’t’ and ‘nags about every bloody little thing’.

“We expect early human drug trials by 2028, and the public has already submitted 6.5 million names for consideration. Though 1.2 million of the names submitted were ‘Nigel Farage’.

“But, exciting as this development is, I’m afraid you’re all going to have to put up with dickheads infiltrating your lives for the foreseeable future.”