Ed Miliband announces dozens of new green turbines powered by burning huge stacks of money

Labour will generate heat and power for Britain by burning an unprecedented amount of money, according to a speech by Ed Miliband this morning.

Pledging to move away from fossil fuels, Ed intends to ‘cut out the middle man’, and help people keep warm by setting light to whopping great piles of readies.

In a move which is seen as “shoring up the Green and left-wing vote”, Labour are targeting middle-class supporters who can afford this sort of thing with the popular left-wing policy of taking the money off people they don’t like, before setting light to it.

Ed confirmed he believes this action would be entirely consequence-free.

He told reporters, “As money is made of paper, burning it is carbon-neutral and it is expected the UK will be self-sufficient for several weeks under this initiative, right up until it all runs out.”

“This will slow climate change by as much as twenty minutes,” he added.

When reporters asked what would happen once the money is all burned, Ed confirmed the Labour party would change its name to the Soylent Green Party and “move on with the next stage of the plan’, which would be announced closer to the time.

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