Global Microsoft outage leaves Bill Gates’ 5G vaccine microchip monitoring programme in chaos

Bill Gates has been left looking at a wall of blue screens this morning after a global outage of the Microsoft infrastructure left his 5G vaccine microchip monitoring lair in total chaos.

With Microsoft systems around the world going down, even the founder of the company hasn’t been immune to the effects of the outage.

Gates told a Microsoft call centre worker, “I was just watching a guy called Derek from Basingsoke having a shave when the screen went blue? What the hell is this? I didn’t spend billions and billions of dollars putting microchips in all those vaccines just to have the feed go down when they get to the good stuff!

“I demand you get everything up and running again before Derek chooses his breakfast cereal. This is UNSATISFACTORY!

“How will I be able to monitor the minutia of the day-to-day lives of billions of people if the crappy IT infrastructure I rely on goes down because the wind blows in the wrong direction.

“I knew I should have installed Macs.”

Meanwhile, workers across the country have insisted that their work computers going down on a day that is forecast to be 30 degrees and sunny, is a sign of divine intervention.

“God wants me to top up my tan, obviously,” insisted accountant Simon Williams from Wokingham.

“And when I say ‘top up’, I mean ‘start’. Obviously.”

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