Reform UK manifesto contains pledge to invade France

Nigel Farage’s leading politics company – Reform UK Ltd – has launched its 2024 general election manifesto manifesto today.

The short document, that is being pitched as ‘contract with the people’ – because that’s what companies do – includes a promise to invade France.

“I have always said that the only way to take proper control of borders is outright war with France,” explained bollock-faced foghorn of ignorance (Thank you Phillip Pullman) Nigel Farage.

“As such, if Reform UK is voted into government, we will endeavour to invade France within six months. That sounds a bit rushed, but it’s important that we maintain the element of surprise.

“For too long, this rotten Parliament has ignored the will of the people and completely failed to start a war with France, or even one of the easier coastal European countries, like Belgium.

“And, not only will we fight a war with France, but we will win. And when we have won not only will we stop the small boats, we will ban garlic, rename Paris as New Ipswich and close down all cafes that refuse to serve Ruddles.

“Just like it was promised in the referendum.”

French President Emmanuel Macron has responded to Reform’s plans by rolling his eyes, shrugging and saying ‘Peu importe’.

Although the central Reform UK Ltd policy will be the invasion of France, other manifesto pledges include the repeal of decimalization, mandatory tweed jackets and stupid green flat caps, and doing whatever Mr Trump tells us to do.