Facebook to add ‘mute this person until after the general election’ button

Facebook is to add a button that will you allow you to mute people until the forthcoming general election is over, they have announced this morning.

Recognising that everyone has at least one friend who is both utterly fixated and monomaniacally partisan, they have introduced the feature so you don’t have to read Keir Starmer and Rishi Sunak memes every five fucking minutes.

Similarly, posts about Angela Raynor, Lee Anderson and some others who nobody has really heard of will no longer clutter up your feed until the 5th July, dramatically improving your quality of life at a stroke.

Engineers are also working on a system which will automatically replace text-on-a-picture posts with a cute gif of a baby rabbit falling off a bed, which will make everyone happier.

Studies show that up to 114% of some people’s posts are enraged exhortations to vote like they do, or even angrier exhortations about why people who don’t vote like they do are obviously stupid and probably evil.

Advanced algorithms will automatically recognise workarounds like ‘Keith’ and ‘Rich-y’ and block those too, so you don’t have to waste precious seconds of your life watching people you like in real life acting like eight-year-olds on the Internet.

The feature will automatically deactivate one month after the general election, so you don’t have to see the cries of bitter rage or smug gloating which will inevitably follow, and leave time for the Internet to re-establish its normal equilibrium of cat memes and pictures of people’s lunch.

I’m voting for the side with the fewest arseholes

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