Mariah Carey’s ‘All I want for Christmas’ actually improves with every listen, insists retail worker delicately crafting tinsel noose

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After Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’ began playing in stores across the UK in November, it has caught the ears of staff and customers with the same clarity and sense of impending dread as a nuclear air raid siren.

Now in early December, the Christmas mainstay is a regular fixture across every shop, radio, T.V commercial and unwilling lucid dream across the whole of the U.K 

Store assistant Simon Williams told us, “It’s great to be able to hear it over and over again. The most I heard that song in a single shift was 17 times.

“I would also like to note that it absolutely hasn’t triggered any previously dormant psychological issues.”

When asked why he brought that up completely unprompted, Williams responded, “The song is on a loop, it’s the first song I hear when the store opens, then there’s 23 minutes and 17 seconds of other songs before I get to hear it again.

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“Sometimes I get to hear it on the radio on the drive home. It really helps me focus on not driving straight into a wrought iron lampost at 60mph.”

When quizzed again about the specificity of his responses, Williams muttered, “7 minutes 13 seconds til they play it again… This isn’t living…”

Derek Matthews, store manager at Sandwiches, Subs and Beyond, told us, “It’s true, we have seen a significant increase in the number of staff trying to garrotte themselves with tinsel since the Christmas playlist was introduced.

He added, “That said, I think lost colleagues is a small price to pay for reminding our valued customers what time of year it is.

Matthews pointed to Customer feedback, which included:
“There are CIA interrogators at Guantanamo that are less intrusive.”
“If I wanted this much artificial cheer, I’d have taken three huffs of molly before I left the house.”
“The audio equivalent of staring at the sun through an equatorial Telescope.”

All of which Williams cited as definitive proof they were really getting the message across.

At press time, there were unconfirmed reports that staff at the Trafford Centre had pooled their money to take a hit out on Ms Carey.

No songs, just high-quality Christmas merchandise here!