Government to privatise Halloween

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In a surprise announcement, the Government today confirmed that Halloween has been privatised. 

“Public ownership has been holding Halloween back for years. Privatisation will finally allow it to reach its full potential and compete with top tier holidays like Christmas, Easter, and Ed Balls Day,” said a government spokesperson. 

Although Halloween will be rebranded as The Sports Direct Annual Spook Festival in 2024, the Government insists that it will be “business as usual” tonight for the country’s legions of trick-or-treaters. 

However, not everyone is persuaded that putting a beloved 1,000-year-old tradition into private ownership is a good idea. 

“Privatising Halloween is a terrible idea. Look at what happened to Rentaghost; 6 months after it floated on the FTSE, it went bankrupt,” explained dad-of-two and huge Claypole fan, Simon Williams. 

“And they’ve already started making changes. Trick-or-treaters are now called confectionery collection agents, who will be expected to sign zero-hours contracts and visit at least 50 homes to meet their candy quota.

“Worst still, as well as asking ‘trick-or-treat?’, kids will be expected to enquire whether householders have been mis-sold a PPI or been in an accident that wasn’t their fault.

“Of course, the most worrying thing about all this is the impact that it could have on the environment,” Mr Williams added. 

“Who’s going to stop Halloween Ltd from fly tipping unbobbed apples or dumping millions of gallons of leftover pumpkin spice latte into the UK’s rivers and waterways?”