by 
Local cat Simon Purrliams is as mystified as you are about how all these dead things got in here whilst you were out.
The living room carpet, which was until recently a pristine shade of cream, is now littered with the corpses of several rodents and garden birds and two oversized spiders – a state of affairs which Purrliams described as ‘completely inexplicable’.
“It’s remarkable,” he told us whilst licking his lips. “I had just been hanging about, minding my own business when I came in here and – bam! – the place is filled with tremendously messy dead things.
“It can’t have been me, because I was asleep all the time you were out. Maybe a big cat did it and ran away?
“I know the catflap will only open for me because of this collar thingy, but you have my word of honour as your closest and dearest friend that I did not murder any of those mice and then drag them in here and eat their heads. Does that even sound like the sort of thing I’d do?”
Simon went on to deny any knowledge of who it was has taken a crap in your shoe.
Mother of Cats – get the T-shirt!
