All black people related to Idris Elba, insists Daily Mail

The Daily Mail has today revealed that all black people are related to actor Idris Elba, ensuring they can use the British actor in every story about any black person moving forward.

With black actor Damson Idris apparently in the running to be the new James Bond, the Daily Mail has erroneously claimed he is Idris Elba’s younger brother, apparently unaware that first names and surnames work in different ways, and that all black people are not, in fact, related.

Daily Mail reader Derek Matthews told us, “It must be true because read it on the Daily Mail website.

“Don’t give me any of this rubbish about them being from different parts of London and from completely different families – just look at them. Of course they’re related.”

Meanwhile, the Daily Mail has decided to double down on its position that all black people are related to Idris Elba.

Sub-editor Simon Williams told us, “I think you’ll find that if you go back far enough, to the African Savannah, and the first people to walk upright on that continent, then yes, all black people descended from them are, by definition, related to Idris Elba.

“So, who is the real idiot here?”

I think, therefore I am, not a Daily Mail reader