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The government has admitted that an increase in income tax may be required in order to fund plans to send asylum seekers to an icy moon that orbits Saturn.
“Economically, these are difficult times for many, many reasons that aren’t Brexit,” said a minister, probably Robert Jenrick; it’s usual Robert Jenrick who has to go out and defend whatever mad old bollocks needs defending on a given day.
“As such, in order to fund sending asylum seekers and refugees to an icy moon orbiting Saturn, we may all have to contribute a little more.”
The scheme, dreamt up by the cabinet because they couldn’t be bothered to do any work that would actually benefit the country, is expected to cost something in the region of a billion-squillion-quentipillion pounds.
“We would expect to see something like 20,000% – %50,000 increase to income tax. I know this seems like a lot, but remember, if you hire an incredibly expensive legal team, they should be able to find various ways for you to weasel out of paying your fair share.”
Probably Robert Jenrick also addressed concerns surrounding the scheme.
“As to people saying this scheme is unnecessarily cruel, I would remind them that the moon in question has an average temperature of -89 degrees, so these people will be in no danger of ever catching fire. Something that most people on this planet cannot say with any degree of certainty.
“Also, I would say to critics, if you are against this scheme, then you must be for the criminal gangs organising the small boat crossings, and you probably want to marry them.”
It is expected that the plan will never take effect because that would involve this government having to do some work, and it will likely be replaced with a new plan on Monday to shrink asylum seekers down to microscopic size like in that Rick Moranis film.
