Anti-royal protesters have come up with the perfect strategy to finally get Prince Andrew arrested – stand next to him.
Prince Andrew is an innocent man. He is definitely not a nonce. So why on earth would the police arrest him?
If he happens to be standing next to some peaceful protesters, of course!
“The police are now handcuffing anyone who comes within a metre of me,” said Republican protester, Simon Williams.
“On Tuesday, I helped an old lady across the street – she was incredibly traumatised when she was finally released from police custody thirteen hours later.
“Anyway, this authoritarian approach to policing represents a fantastic opportunity for anti-monarchy protesters – if one of us can get within a few feet of Prince Andrew, the heavy-handed filth will do the rest.
“So yesterday, we headed down to his regular haunt, Pizza Express Woking. He’s obviously not as stupid as he looks though, as he seems to have paid off the staff to say that he’s never actually set foot in the place.
“Assuming he must just be getting deliveries these days, we headed to Windsor in the hope of a sighting.
“Before we got to the castle, we happened to see the Duke of York in a sweet shop, filling up a massive jar of pick ‘n’ mix. This was our chance!
“We ran into the shop and surrounded the man who represents the character and moral rectitude of all Yorkshiremen.
“Within seconds, police were rolling through the door, smashing through the windows, and abseiling from the ceiling.
“However, moments before they could handcuff the Prince, a royal aide appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, and handed the officers a brown envelope stuffed with cash.
“The rest of us were carted off to the local police station, held overnight, and released without charge.
“Oh well. Guess I’ll just have to amuse myself by going to Wetherspoons and getting some Brexiters arrested.”